Pledged childhood habits and behaviors often prevent us to appreciate themselves, live a full life and be happy. The writer Peg Streep calls the five patterns of behavior and thinking, from which should be abandoned as soon as possible.
The ability to let go of the past, to establish and maintain personal boundaries - three essential life skill, which often have problems, those who grew up in families where they are not loved. As a result, they have developed a disturbing type of attachment. They often build a "Great Wall of China", which allows to avoid any conflict, preferring not to change anything, but would not tackle the problem. Or afraid to set reasonable limits due to fear of being abandoned and the resulting stranglehold cling commitments and relationships, from which it is time to give up.
So, what are these habits?
1. ATTEMPTS please others
Fearful children often grow up in anxious adults who are trying to keep the peace and tranquility at all costs. They try to please everyone, do not express dissatisfaction because they feel that any attempt to assert their interests will lead to conflict or rupture. When something is wrong, they blame themselves, why pretend that nothing happened. But it's a losing strategy, it prevents moving forward and easy to make you a victim of manipulators.
Attempts at all times to please the one who offends you, too bad end - you are only making yourself more vulnerable. In personal relationships are similar principles. To resolve the conflict, you need to discuss it openly, not to wave the white flag, hoping that all somehow arranged itself.
2. READY suffer the humiliation
Children who grow up in families where the constant abuse were the norm, not to knowingly tolerate offensive language, they often simply do not notice them. They lose their sensitivity to such treatment, especially if you have not yet aware of how childhood experiences shaped their identity.
Any criticism aimed at the identity of the person ( "You always " or "You never "), derogatory or contemptuous epithets (silly, ugly, lazy, brake, slut), statements aimed at to injure, - insult. Silent ignoring - refusing to answer, if you have not heard, or contemptuous or mocking reaction to your words - another form of abuse.
To distinguish insults from constructive criticism, pay attention to the speaker's motivation: he wants to help or to hurt? Of great importance is the tone that uttered these words. Remember, people who abuse often say that just want to give constructive criticism. But if after the comments you feel exhausted or depressed, it means that their aim was different. And you have to say about their feelings openly.
3. Attempts to change OTHER
If you think a friend or your partner should change your relationship to become ideal, think: maybe this man all happy and does not want to change anything? You can not convert anyone. We can change only ourselves. And if a partner does not suit you, be honest with yourself and admit that these relations are unlikely to have a future.
4. Unfortunately the time spent
We all feel the fear of loss, but some are particularly susceptible to this kind of alarms. Each time, thinking, not whether or not to complete the relationship, we are reminded of how much money, experience, time and energy we have invested. For example: "We have been married for 10 years, and if I leave, it turns out that 10 years is wasted."
The same goes for romantic or friendly relations work. Of course, your "investment" will not be able to return, but such thoughts interfere to decide on important and necessary changes.
5. Over-reliance on STRANGER (AND ITS) EXCESSIVE CRITICISM
What we hear about his childhood (praise or criticism of the infinite), it is the foundation of our deep-seated notions about themselves. A child gets enough love and appreciate yourself and do not tolerate attempts to belittle or insult him.
Unsure as a child with anxious attachment style, which is often ever hear derogatory comments about their abilities, "soaks up" the ideas about themselves, it becomes self-critical. The reason for all of life's failures this person considers own shortcomings: "I do not have to work, because I'm a loser," "I was not invited, because I bore", "Relationships broke, because I was not for that love."
Try to notice any excessive criticism of others or their own. And no need to unconditionally believe her. Focus on your strengths, argue with the "inner voice" that you criticize - it is nothing but an echo of the comments that you are "absorbed" in childhood. Do not let the people you are talking to, do you have an object of ridicule.
Remember that, realizing their hidden automatic patterns of behavior, you make the first step to important changes.