American psychologist Fred Luskin many years studying the situation of people who find it difficult to forgive myself. They are tormented by remorse, delve into past failures and revel in their insignificance. Each of us, perhaps, experienced such a state. How to get out too melancholic state and to forgive yourself, to relieve stress after a conflict, for instance? Psychologist, based on observations, gives instructions for action.
So, you've made a bad deed:
- You've spent half of the money intended for the purchase of food for a month, a new coat;
- Did not get to a football match, which involved your son;
- When the cat's cries began to act on your nerves, you released it on the street, get rid of the feelings of anger, which he immediately hit by a car.
It's hard to forgive myself. Do you think that your family and friends will never forgive you if they know at least half of what you're doing. Unfortunately, you know the whole truth. And the most disgusting is that this feeling of guilt is a stone on the heart, and you will burn with shame. God can forgive you. But how do you forgive yourself?
Probably one of the few people who can tell you about it - a psychologist Fred Luskin, Ph.D., director of the project, the initiate the practice of forgiveness, at Stanford University (USA). Laskin conducts research and seminars on the practice of forgiveness in California for many years. It works:
- Husbands, wives who cheat;
- Women who have changed their men;
- With children who refused to parents;
- With fathers and mothers who abandon their children.
According to the psychologist, the most difficult thing in itself forgiveness, oddly enough, this is what we strive to get covered in our own guilt. "This is not the case when we feel bad because we know they did something wrong," he explains. All make mistakes. But some of us actually cover themselves in these negative feelings like a blanket, covered his head and refused to stop crying.
If you forgive yourself is very difficult, you know that you are not alone. Howl shall remain for the victim, not the culprit, right? But some of us are trying to use these negative feelings as a kind of talisman to neutralize the consequences of our own actions, says Laskin. We turn into a ball and say: "See how bad I feel Look at how I'm suffering I regret I can be miserable being no greater punishment than that; it would be unfair!!!!!".
We turn into a ball and say: "See how bad I feel Look at how I'm suffering I may be sorry I'm a miserable creature
!!!!" It is a perverted form of repentance, "adds Luskin Many people decide:. This is my wine, then I will punish myself They do not want to act constructively, for example, to take responsibility for their actions; to eliminate the effects of this damage; correct errors
It's not just about you
K Unfortunately, the decision to feel miserable the rest of your days can have tragic consequences, moreover, is not always obvious.
On the one hand, misery loves the audience. "If you continue to engage in self-flagellation, the closest person will fall under your hot hand "explains Luskin. It is inevitable. anyone who bathes in its own fault, more closed, more demanding and less open than usual. and those who are near (whether it be a spouse, children, parents, friends, even your dog) will suffer together with you.
Our thoughts affect our body is very strong. That feeling of guilt that you cultivate, transformed into chemicals that affect the vital organs. How does the sense of guilt at a physiological level?
- Quickens the pulse;
- Increased blood pressure;
- Disturbed digestion;
- Tense muscles;
- Raised blood cholesterol;
- Decreased ability to think clearly.
And each time you remember about her is not good deed and grimacing, these negative feelings again cause the appearance of the body of harmful chemicals.
At the time, scientists have been researching on how useful forgiveness. Scientists began to suspect that those who have difficulty forgiving themselves increasingly faced: having a heart attack; high blood pressure; with symptoms of depression.
The healing power of forgiveness
Psychologist Laskin, while in his cramped office, years of studying how people learn to forgive yourself and others. He puts his soul into the study of this issue, besides, it is very interesting.
"Forgiveness - the tool that we use when we look back on our past: we have done something when something bad, admitted their mistakes and now we go on," he says. "This does not mean that you are in connivance or making excuses. It does not mean that you forget all the bad things." Remember the saying "there is a reason at all '?" Asked the doctor. "Yes, there are times when we suffer and regret about something. It must also be present. But these times also come to an end. The world does not stand still. And we need to move forward together with our planet."
We bring you the 12 steps to the action, how to learn to forgive yourself.
1. Divide the bad deeds on group.
"Most of us find it difficult to forgive ourselves when we made one of the four actions described below," - said Laskin.
You will not be able to perform some vital task, for example, to improve relations in marriage and to revive the relationship.
As a result of your actions the other person is offended.
You yourself have harmed their way of life: for example, drinking a lot of alcohol, or doing something else that can be attributed to self-destruction.
You did not do what had to be (in your opinion) - for example, it was necessary to intervene in a family dispute, or to save money to study child.
"When we group the bad things that are already in the process of forgiveness of yourself," - emphasizes the psychologist. This allows you to:
- Divide the action into several parts;
- Look at them;
- To step back a little bit;
- Start the healing consciousness.
2. Tell us about your feelings
"Identify exactly what you are wrong done, and what it has brought harm to tell a couple of close friends about what you did to get their support, help and advice to improve the situation." - Advises psychologist
when we something to share, it reminds us that everyone makes mistakes "we often think that we are alone only in their suffering, but it only complicates the process of forgiveness of yourself" -. the expert adds When we recognize something. do not, then we are not to sink: in denial; in suppression, in displacement, in forgetting
3. Understand what you want
you do not have to put up with the person you have wronged :
- you just do not want to feel shame;
- you seek to get rid of feelings of guilt;
- you want to find peace;
- you want to align your state
way, scientists say when a person forgives the offense, he banishes illness.
4. Admit that your expectations are far from reality
Most of us have a certain set of unconscious rules that exist in the subconscious: that any actions we expect from ourselves. Many of these settings, we have absorbed in childhood, though they were not formed by us, and imposed from outside. And we have to admit that such a set of rules does not always correspond to reality.
5. Determine the degree of his pain
Realize that when you think of his offense, the resentment, the thought of his own fault and signs of stress causing you emotional pain - regardless of whether you did it 2 minutes ago and it's been 10 years, said Laskin. It is your reaction to the offense today, and it causes a problem. It is a habit from which to get rid of.
6. Click the Stop button
When you play in your head over and over again the events of the past, it still does not help you or the person you have wronged. Therefore, every time you catch yourself that again scroll mind their sins - just stop. Pay your attention on something more positive (for example, on the good habits that will change your life).
7. I'm sorry!
If you can not forgive yourself for what you did in relation to another person, sometimes it is enough just to sincerely apologize to improve the situation. Apologies are most effective if done in the first person, of course. But if it can not be done, think about how you can apologize in a joking manner. One woman who had to apologize to her husband, sent him a copy of the game "Sorry!" (Sorry!), Along with a note, which was a question: play together? Her husband sent back Brenda Lee song "I'm sorry." It is true that great?
8. Practice the technique of mental contemplation
Laskin psychologist developed the technique of mental contemplation duration of 45 minutes. It is needed whenever you begin again to execute themselves for old sins. The technique can be called meditation against depression, turmoil and guilt. Just close your eyes, breathe deeply. Imagine that during inspiration you gently pushes the belly, and then exhale slowly and relax your stomach. Again, breathe deeply stomach (inhale - exhale).
According to Laskin, during the third deep breath, you must create:
- A mental image of the person you love;
- A beautiful place in nature, from which you come in admiration;
- A beautiful beach;
- Path through a magnificent forest;
- Mountain Creek.
Breathe deeply and mentally contemplate the natural beauty around you. Pay attention to what you are feeling, and allow these feelings to fill the area of the heart.
Now ask yourself what you can do to feel better. Then, when you get a reply, open your eyes and start to take action.
"To make amends, find a way to show the good with respect to those whom you have offended," - said Laskin. If you've spent half of the monthly family budget power to the new coat, prepare for your loved ones your most delicious dish. It did not happen to attend fully to match your son? Agree to work as his assistant coach free of charge next year. By the way, scientists say that kindness is similar to the sex, because in the human brain during sex and when acts of kindness manifested similar reaction. So the mood has certainly improved after the good, the good deed!
Even if the person you offended, already dead or otherwise not in your life right now, you can still correct and to make good an act in relation to another man, said Laskin. "Do you think that you were a bad mother Well, you can not go back and change things now, but you can be a good grandmother to do good and then you will not feel bad?" - Said Laskin. Not only do you forgive yourself, so more and good deeds will change your life for the better.
10. Lose mascots evil witch
After you make amends, stop telling yourself the old fairy tale, in which you have the role of the Wicked Witch. Start telling yourself a new story: in which, in spite of your human weakness, you do everything in your power to be a generous man.
11. Evaluate yourself objectively
Once a day, think about all the good deeds that you have done today:
- Help to find the owner of his dog;
- Switched their attention a crying child that his mother could eat dinner;
- Took a trip to the dry cleaner for your favorite clothing so he could play sports.
Think about it and you will realize that they have become an amazing person! Yes, if scientists discovered genes through kindness, it means that someone has because of genes, in principle, more than charity, magnanimity and compassion, but nothing prevents determine deficit of warmth and good in itself, and begin to develop it!
12. Take a break!
When we feel disgusting because of our deeds committed in the past, it poisons our present. That is, until you learn how to forgive yourself and move on, make a gift to your thoughts and your body and allow yourself to take a break from feelings of shame and guilt, replacing them with a sense of gratitude, said Laskin. Thankyou improve health, proven by scientists.
Here's how a psychologist proposes to develop a sense of gratitude:
- Walk to the nearest supermarket and give thanks for the abundance of food in the public domain;
- Go to a nursing home or hospital and thank the universe for what you have good health;
- While driving behind the wheel of mentally thank each driver who observes the rules of the road;
- If you have now the person who occupies an important place in your life, thank him or her for taking care of you every day;
- Pay attention to the seller in the store, which is waiting, when you refer to it. Thank sellers for the assistance they provide to you;
- When you wake up every morning, be thankful to the universe for what you breathe and what you gave life;
- Do not forget that it is much better to do good than to feel bad.
The feeling of gratitude and optimism helps to develop beneficial for mental balance. When we perceive our mistakes as a valuable experience, and all the people in its path - a teacher, life is transformed, because it changes the whole attitude to the world and to themselves. Guilt has a devastating impact on everyone. Therefore, it is important to seek support in yourself to forgive yourself and others, to thank for all that is in your life and the bad and good.